nobody reads. but this is one big ramble.

I have come to realize that nobody reads my blog.

I write anyway, all the time? I wonder why I do this. I do it because I need to write, if I don't write everything that comes into my head I think it may explode. I am one of those type of people. I have to let everything out. Many many times a day in fact. I have to call my very best friends all the way across the country and cry my eyes out. or scream, or talk crap about myself because it feels good. I am a different person. I have come to realize that I am entirely emotionally driven. My entire life, all my choices, all my thoughts, all my theories. I am sitting here currently listening to the saddest songs on my itunes, over and over and over. I love to sit and be sad. I love to sit and think about a time when I was extremely sad, I love the emotion you feel. Emotion like that is fleeting and rare,  emotion is something we take for granted as humans. We always seek happiness, don't get me wrong I wish more then anything I could have happiness all the time. However, when you are in a time where you feel like your world is all the sudden a blur and you hate everything about your thoughts, and everything about your heart...you will feel a type of emotion that comes only to those who are honest enough with themselves to feel the hurt. And it's bad. and it hurts, and life at that time is not worth it.

 Hasn't anyone ever felt like that?!!

Come on people! I feel like everyone pretends their life is always happy. I'm bothered, i'm ornery, i'm grouncy.. I am sick of it. I am not happy, actually. I am sad, lately. I am not myself and I hate it. I am not in a place where I feel like I am brilliant, I am not in a stage where I feel like i have it all figured out. It hurts inside my chest. It hurts inside my head. I am not saying that anyone has to be like me, or may even want to be. I don't care, personally I think i'm a little bit crazy! I have to do it, I have to put it out there. I am not sure how people exist on earth keeping all their fear and anger and hope caged up in the chest. Im not sure how we all do it anyway. I'm not sure how we as people can survive this life, it's not an easy one. It's filled with decisions, big ones. It's filled with oh my gosh, and i'm scared.. it's filled with worry. Mine is at least. I blame my Dad. He is a worrier, he's also a writer of sorts, and an emotional driven man, whom by looking at him you would never guess it.

So here I am.
I'm Danielle, I go by Dani a lot. I am 23, almost 24 , feel like i'm 16 one day and 60 another. I feel like a lot of times I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I think that's because I love to hear people out, to hear about their sadness and hard times, and I love to try and help. Sometimes it makes me sick to think that I have accomplished so little with my life, when all my friends have degrees' and real jobs. I'm a server. it's simple and amazing. I hate it. but I absolutely love it. I love the people I work with, they don't know it. I am shy, but the most outgoing human being on earth. I share every single opinion that I have enter my mind. I would rather say something that may offend someone because I'm different then hold it up inside and pretend to be someone I'm not. I don't always agree with what I believe in, if you get what I'm saying.. you're not alone. I am constantly tearing my self apart and taking part in the biggest self loathing competition there ever was. I have such amazing friends, they live 2000 miles away. It makes me literally sick to my stomach to think of it. I have made so many mistakes I can write a what not to do book. I have learned from each and every one. Applying what I learned from there takes more work. I am depressed, but I don't show it on the outside, I don't dare burden people with my sadness. I love to be happy. I am happy a lot, even though I say I'm depressed. I am both. Can you be? I say yes. I don't like people who think they know everything or that their way is the only way. I don't like something that tells people you're not wonderful. I wish everyone would just be who they are. I wish I would be who I am. ALL the time. No matter who I'm around, where I am, I wish I could just sell me. and look amazingly beautiful and confident while doing it. I'm going to try. I like the fact that a lot of times utter sadness feels so good. I'm still working on me, working really hard. I am lost a lot, on roads and life. I'm danielle, I often go by Dani. My mom thinks I'm different, my dad says i'm unique. You probably all thought you knew me. Think again.