Thankful for "my God"

(warning: this is not a hate post, rather one about how i'm grateful. just read through)

This past weekend was General Conference weekend, for those of you who are not LDS it's a conference that takes place every six months where the general authority of the church speak to... well, the world. It is televised and it is also published in something called the Ensign a couple of months later so everyone who was not able to see it on TV can read it, I also think it is printed so that it can be kept as reminders and read over again if needed or desired. I am grateful for that fact that I was able to watch general conference with Tanner and his family.

Almost 4 years ago I was baptized into the LDS church, and I was introduced to a whole new world and a way to connect with God. I was happy with the religion for a long time, and it felt like I had found a part of my life I was looking for, but i was never truly happy inside. I struggled for a long time with wondering why. I didn't know if it was because I wasn't getting married, and everyone else was, or if it was because I wasn't doing as good as the Lord would have me to in life, meaning I wasn't being obedient enough and reading my pull potential that he has given me the possibility to obtain. I was unsure of so many things, and honestly and truly I felt very lost and alone.

In May of 2010 I had the amazing privilege of marrying the man I love in the Temple of The church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  I can't really explain the way I felt during that experience. I had been groomed for 3 years that this was right, this was the ultimate goal, and I did agree. I do agree. I think that to be married in the temple is an amazing blessing and an amazing experience. It is said to be a super spiritual place, and I believe that is true for some. For me however it was not a spiritual experience, as much as I was just SO excited to finally be marrying the man I had been dating for thee years. I couldn't wait! I didn't even listen while we were being sealed, I was far to excited. I thought there were parts that were very spiritual and others that I literally felt nothing. I know that everyone who reads this who is LDS will agree mostly that the first time they went that is also how they felt. I understand that understanding does come with time.

Over the last year of being married, growing, thinking, pondering, changing, a lot has in fact changed in my mine and heart. I have come to realize that the LDS church is not the place for me. I think it is a wonderful organization, that I was blessed to be a part of for such a time in my life. I was blessed to meet amazing people, and people whom have given me an example of how I choose to be as a person and a child of God. I do believe that Hevenly Father has a plan for everyone, and that there are some spirits that he created that are just in their own world, and have their own path. I believe that we are put on this earth to learn and to grow and to make mistakes, big ones, and to pick ourselves back up and to press forward.  I have a strong faith that everyone in the world knows God in the way that they need to know God. I have a belief that at the end of all of this, all over the world people will see God. I believe that he will appear to all people and say bless you, and thank you for believing in something higher then yourself. I am everything. Now, come be with me.

I am aware that, my mindset may not fit into any specific religous sect and I am also fine with that. I have learned through my trials in trying to grow closer to God that my heavenly father is with me in my heart.

"I carry you're heart with me, I carry it in my heart."
- e.e. cummings

I believe in God in that way. I carry him in my heart. And to be honest my main goal is to be a good person, who helps people, and makes this world a brighter place in any way that I can figure out how.

So thank you to all those who have been a part of my life the last four years, thank you to my Tanner who has been an incredible example of a man, and a boyfriend, and a fiance, and now a husband. Who has treated me like gold, and has showed me what it feels like to be loved. And to have someone I can turn to who will keep me safe. Thank you for all your good examples. (jessica, abby, laur, liz, tawni, Mckall, Kesley) Thank you for your friendships, thank you for your work and dedication (cory) Thank you for helping me walk my broken road, which makes up the stronger me now when I was in 2007. I am so happy, and I finally feel like I have figured out who I am inside.

I love the Lord, and I know he loves me too. No matter what, he is there for me as my Father. I know my dad would never turn away from me, and he would never want me to live a life that made me feel trapped.