Yea, and from that time even until now, I have labored without ceasing

"Yea, and from that time even until now, I have labored without ceasing, that I might bring souls unto repentance; that I might bring them to taste of the exceeding joy of which I did taste; that they might also be born of God, and be filled with the Holy Ghost. Yea, and now behold, O my son, the Lord doth give me exceedingly great joy in the fruit of my labors; For because of the word which he has imparted unto me, behold, many have been born of God, and have tasted as I have tasted, and have seen eye to eye as I have seen; therefore they do know of these things of which I have spoken, as I do know; and the knowledge which I have is of God." - Alma 36:24-26


Before I begin this post I will say that I normally would never post something so personal as this on a blog, I do consider this blog to be a journal type outlet however the most personal and touching moments I have in my life I keep for my hand written journals. I felt however that maybe, this post would come to someones eyes and perhaps help them in a time of need. It is my prayers that this be the case.


Written October 10th, 2010: (apologize in advance for the spelling errors and terrible grammer. I hopped on word and wrote it as fast as my fingers could type so as not to forget a single detail. I think leaving it that way may show the urgency of the words.)
Tanner and I were just reading scriptures for the night. He asked me to pick out a chapter and immediately I was drawn to Alma 36. I wasn't sure why, but I just went with it as usual and thought I love this chapter, maybe that's why. It is also the chapter I have read most in the Book of Mormon, I thought that might also be a reason. I told tanner I was going to read the entire chapter. That was also odd because usually we take turns reading one after the other, one row at a time. This time I felt I wanted to read the whole thing. it was a short chapter and again I love it so much that I thought I may as well. I was reading along and just going about the chapter reading and enjoying the words when all the sudden I came upon the versus above. Immediately my eyes were filled with tears and the spirit came over me in a way that I don't know if I have ever felt before. It was so overwhelming, and so absolutely undeniable. I could not explain it with earthly words if I tried. I started weeping, it was something I could not stop. I wasn't sad. I was happy but also felt sorry for the laziness in which I have had lately as to my "activity" in the church. It says that as I have labored without ceasing to bring souls to the truth, to help them feel what I have felt, see what I have seen..and because of my efforts many have been born of God.I realized that right then the Lord was answering my prayers or maybe my confusions that I had felt in the months past. Questioning the church or more so my position in it. Telling me if you labor without ceasing you will accomplish a great work for me. The one I have intended for you in bringing you to this place. This earth. I realize in the last verse it says many have been born of God. Tanner and I will have children and they will taste of what I teste and their children will and theirs after that and now souls will the brought unto the Lord , that maybe if i have stopped or if i have quit or if i had just not allowed myself to listen to the spirit in the first place would have gone without knowledge of the Lord. That verse is me. That is my mission in this world. I felt as if the Lord was telling me Danielle if you don't give up, if you keep following the feelings you felt during this past conference THIS EXACTLY is what will happen and it will all be thanks to you. How can that be! How could this have happened. It was from the very start this evening that the Lord wanted me to know this. From the second that i opened up the scriptures to read them. Chose the chapter so easily and decided to read it out loud to tanner myself. I am grateful for the Lord. I am grateful for the moments I have to build my testimony. I will not forget this. This moment will ring in my mind for the years to come and I can not thank our Lord God enough for this and the strength he has blessed me with. Thank you dear Lord. I love thee and will stand firm in thy works forever.


I wrote this immediately that night, and since that moment my world has been changed. I should say rather my heart has been truly changed. In the pas three years life for me has been hard. It is a very hard thing to nourish a testimony when you don't have parents that set an example for you, of what you want to be life. When you don't have family around you. When you don't have friends, good friends, best friends that have been there since you were all little kids... who believe what you believe. Or for that matter support what you believe. Not that my friends don't support me in my decision, but they do not believe what I do. Which, is fine. I have no room to gripe and to say poor me. I am very blessed and have constantly been reassured by our Heavenly Father through the past three years since I decided to be baptized that he has a plan for me. I have been blessed I believe with very strong faith. If nothing else, no knowledge or depth of the Gospel, somehow I have faith.


After getting married, I felt like life would now be an easy ride. I was sealed in the temple, I followed the Lord to the utmost of my ability here on this earth the rest would be a cake walk. I was wrong. The thing about Satan is once he is done trying to devieve you in the best way he can think of, once that way is no longer of any use to him (I'm sure all you girls can understand what way he would try to destroy a single women in a very serious relationship) He will come at you from a different angle. I whole other world almost. I place where you never thought he would be able to creep in. And suprisingly enoguh that angel may be more powerful and be able to destroy you faster and easier then the one he used before! At the realization of that isn't he just the happiest camper you have ever seen? I say to you all that he is. Life after marriage is harder then life before. Satan understands that you have now formed an eternal family. What does he want to destroy the most? The Family. In my case he zero'd in on me. I all the sudden found myself thinking....


(frantic)


I don't know what I'm doing here.. with this.. do I really need all of this business? If this really for me. I feel so much better at work, with all my non member friends. I feel much better doing as I please, saying whatever I want when I want to. Watching what I want and listening to what I want. Is that because it makes me feel more at home, like I was living in Michigan again? I sure do miss Michigan. I wish I could go back there sometimes. If I never did this I would still be there, where I fit. I am married, to a wonderful man. I am sealed forever. But I miss my home. Maybe I can have both. can I? Would Tanner stick around? I can't do that. This is what you want, you belong here. No you don't, you're no good to anyone here or to the Lord. Why is the Lord even allowing me to have thoughts like these? Is he? Is he telling me I have made a mistake? What are you doing Danielle, where are you headed, what are you thinking.


Satan.
Is.
The.
Father.
Of.
All.
Lies.


And alas,
a wonderful think happened. General Conference. It was Saturday morning session. I was laying in bed with my dear, sweet, amazing and perfect husband when (i'm not sure who said it, sadly. That is how much I really didn't care at the time) spoke about how his grandmother used to have to get wood to replace on the wood burning stove. How he would let her go out into the bitter cold and get it and never offered to get it for her. How he wishes every day that could tell his grandmother he was sorry. In that moment I started to sob. I was again blessed by our amazing heavenly father (this occurred before the paragraph above happened) My heart was softened. I was ready for the spirit of the Lord to heal me, and to ask my Heavenly Father for forgiveness. I can't explain what has taken place in my soul the past few weeks but it is a miracle. I can never be thankful enough, and I only pray when the time comes I will be able to tell our God that myself.


My dear friends,
I know better then anyone how hard life is. How it feels at times that you just can't anymore. Or how you feel like if you ever dare to share the feelings you're having you will be judged, looked down upon or reprimanded, because we are supposed to be perfect. We're not. We are not asked to be! There is always one person you can tell everything that weighs on your heart too. He wont judge you, he won't get upset. Only stretch out his loving arm to guide you. How blessed and lucky are we. We are only asked to try everyday to strive to obtain the light of Christ and to live as he did. In my opinion that means to love ALL people the same, to show them the charity of our Lord, to express love to our fellow children of God and not only to others but to ourselves. To attend the temple, so we can learn and our eyes can be opened to the miracles of the Lord. To do service so we can be in service of our God. You have no idea how much happiness you will gain if you just simply "let go, and let God." It is my sincere prayer that this in some way helped someone or at some point will. 
You are not alone.